I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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