Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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