drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
