I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
