i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
