I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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