Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
