Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
