Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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