Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
