NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
