barbara walters just said penis...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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