Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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