ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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