At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
