I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
