I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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