You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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