Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
