Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
