Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
