He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
