i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
