u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize