Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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