mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The Olympian is in my bed
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
