We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
