I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
