She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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