hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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