chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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