I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
