you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
