my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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