Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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