Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
