Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
