did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
