Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
