My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
