could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
