You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
