I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
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You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet