Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
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Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
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Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.