If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Drunk is not a location!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
