I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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