i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
