Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
