Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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