is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
