When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
