No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
