One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
