they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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