i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
