I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
