I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
